Overcoming School Refusal: How One-to-One Tuition Re-engages Anxious Children

School refusal – often referred to in professional circles as Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) – is a growing challenge, especially among children with Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND). It describes a pattern where a child is regularly unable to attend school due to extreme anxiety or emotional distress, not simple misbehaviour. If you have an anxious child not attending school, you’re far from alone. In fact, even before recent global events, an estimated 1–2% of UK school-aged children struggled with EBSA-related absences, and experts believe this number has risen post-pandemic. This article offers empathetic, informative school refusal support – exploring why it happens, and how one-to-one tuition can help re-engage anxious children in education.

Understanding School Refusal (EBSA)

When stress or anxiety about school becomes persistent and overwhelming, a child may find it nearly impossible to attend classes. In the past, this was often labeled “school refusal”, but that term can be misleading. Many professionals now prefer Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA), which highlights that the child’s avoidance is driven by emotional distress rather than a defiant choice. In other words, a child refusing school isn’t “just being difficult” – they are coping with intense anxiety or fear. Their reluctance to go to school is typically a natural coping strategy in the face of overwhelming stress.

EBSA can take many forms. It might involve a child outright refusing to leave home on school mornings, or crying and pleading not to be sent to school. In some cases, it includes children who do manage to enter the school building but cannot stay in class or frequently ask to go home early due to distress. Often, these children experience physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches or panic attacks as their body’s reaction to anxiety. It’s important to understand that these children are not “truant” in the traditional sense – they want to attend school and be with their peers, but their anxiety is so great that attendance feels impossible. As one educational psychologist put it, these students avoid school “not out of choice but out of necessity to cope” with their emotional turmoil. This compassionate perspective has gained ground because it shifts the focus from blaming the child to understanding their needs.

Why Do Children Refuse School? – Causes and Challenges

There are many reasons a child might develop school-related anxiety or EBSA, and often it’s a combination of factors. Some common causes and triggers include:

• Anxiety and Mental Health: Underlying anxiety disorders (such as social anxiety, separation anxiety, or generalised anxiety) are frequently at the root of school refusal. The school environment can amplify these anxieties, making a child feel unsafe or overwhelmed. For example, a child might worry excessively about something as simple as answering questions in class or who they will sit with at lunch, until it snowballs into panic. If a child has had negative experiences like bullying or a traumatic event at school, this can also trigger intense fear about going back.

• Neurodiversity and Unmet Needs: Many children with neurodevelopmental conditions or special needs – such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD), ADHD, dyslexia, or sensory processing difficulties – struggle in a mainstream school setting if their needs aren’t properly supported. A busy classroom can be loud, bright, and socially confusing. If a child’s additional needs are unrecognised or not accommodated, each school day can become a nightmare of sensory overload or frustration. In these cases, refusal is not wilful; it’s rooted in the child feeling that the environment is unbearable or that they’re destined to “fail” there.

• Academic Pressure or Learning Difficulties: For some children, falling behind in class or having an undiagnosed learning difficulty can create a cycle of anxiety. They may feel embarrassed or terrified of being called on in class when they don’t understand the work. Over time, the shame or fear of failure builds up, and avoiding school seems safer than facing constant stress. This is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed, not a reflection of laziness. Unfortunately, the longer a student stays away, the more daunting it becomes to return – missed work piles up and confidence plummets.

• Bullying and Social Issues: Bullying is a significant factor that can make a child afraid to attend school. Likewise, difficulties with friendships or feeling like they don’t “fit in” can create dread about each day. A child who is isolated or picked on at school may begin to associate school with feelings of danger or humiliation. In these cases, the school refusal is a self-protective response to very real emotional pain.

• Illness, Trauma or Major Changes: Sometimes a period of illness or a traumatic life event (like a bereavement or parents’ separation) can disrupt a child’s connection to school. For instance, if a child was home sick for a while, they might develop new worries about returning, or they fell out of the school routine and now feel unable to resume it. Big changes like moving school or transitioning from primary to secondary can also trigger school avoidance in a child who struggles with uncertainty. Additionally, the extended school closures and disruptions during the Covid-19 pandemic have been noted to exacerbate school-related anxiety for some children – returning to normal schooling after long periods at home was a huge hurdle for many.

It’s crucial for parents and educators to recognise that school refusal is almost always rooted in genuine distress rather than disobedience. Punitive measures or simply telling the child to “toughen up” will likely worsen the situation. As one specialist explains, calling it “refusal” can wrongly imply the child is intentionally defying adults, when in truth they are “grappling with significant emotional distress that makes it nearly impossible for them to face the school setting”. These young people often feel trapped – they may express feelings of wanting to go to school and not fall behind, yet feel unable to overcome the panic or sadness that school triggers. This dynamic is heartbreaking for parents as well, who might feel torn between enforcing attendance and protecting their child’s mental health.

Challenges for families and schools: The impact of EBSA extends beyond the child’s missed classes. Parents can find themselves under immense stress, juggling work or other children while also trying to coax an unhappy child into school each day. There can be feelings of guilt, frustration, or isolation (“Why can’t we manage to do what every other family seems to do?”). Parents may also worry about legal repercussions like fines for non-attendance – though schools and authorities are increasingly understanding when absences are tied to documented anxiety or health issues. Schools, for their part, face the challenge of how best to support the child: attendance officers or SENCOs (Special Educational Needs Coordinators) will try to engage the family and find solutions, but mainstream schools can struggle to provide the individual care an anxious child needs in a large class setting. This is where alternative provisions often come into play.

Encouragingly, UK law supports families in this situation: local authorities (LAs) must arrange suitable alternative education if a child of compulsory school age cannot attend school due to health (including mental health) reasons and will miss more than 15 days. In practice, this might mean providing education otherwise than at school – for example, a home tutor or one-to-one tuition outside of school Such support can keep the child’s learning going and gradually help them re-engage, while the underlying issues are addressed.

One-to-One Tuition: A Compassionate Path to Re-engagement

One of the most effective and sensitive interventions for a child experiencing school refusal is one-to-one tuition. This could be home tutoring, online tutoring, or otherwise individualised education, often delivered by specialist tutors who understand anxiety and SEND. Here’s why one-to-one tuition can be a real lifeline for an anxious child:

• A Safe, Flexible Learning Environment: Unlike a hectic classroom, one-to-one sessions create a low-stress, nurturing space where the child can learn at ease. Sessions can take place in the child’s home or another comfortable setting, eliminating the triggers of a noisy school building. The environment is more personal and far less intimidating than a typical classroom, allowing the child to ask questions and make mistakes without fear of judgment or peer pressure. For a child who gets overwhelmed by crowds or noise, this quiet, controlled setting is immediately calming. They know they won’t be forced into any situation that causes panic, which builds a sense of security crucial for learning to happen.

• Individualised Pacing and Approach: In a one-to-one scenario, the pace and style of teaching are entirely tailored to the child. If a student has been out of school for weeks or months, a skilled tutor will likely start with a reduced timetable or shorter lessons at times of day when the child feels most relaxed. For example, some children engage better in the late morning after anxiety has settled; others might do well with afternoon sessions once they’ve had time to prepare mentally. The tutor can slowly increase lesson length or frequency in line with the child’s growing tolerance, always keeping pressure low. Academic content can be customised too – if Maths is a particular anxiety trigger, the tutor might intersperse it with fun activities or relate it to the child’s interests to rebuild confidence. This personalised approach ensures the child never feels rushed or lost; instead, they experience mastery of small steps, which encourages them to continue.

• Trust and Relationship Building: Perhaps the most powerful aspect of one-to-one tuition is the relationship that can blossom between tutor and child. Often, the first priority isn’t drilling maths or spelling, but simply building trust. Tutors experienced in EBSA cases will spend the initial sessions getting to know the child, allowing the child to voice their feelings, and proving themselves to be safe and consistent adults. Over time, the tutor becomes more than just an instructor – they become a mentor and ally for the young person. This kind of positive, one-on-one adult attention is something many anxious children respond to deeply. They start to look forward to sessions because they feel understood and encouraged. As one education expert noted, having a tutor who truly understands what the student is going through “has proven to make the world of difference” – students often make progress much faster than they or their families imagined once that rapport is established.

• Rebuilding Confidence and Skills: Academically, one-to-one tuition can help fill in gaps in learning that developed during the child’s absence. Because the teaching is focused solely on that child’s needs, it’s highly efficient – even a few hours of tailored tutoring per week can cover as much material as a whole week of school lessons, since the tutor can continually adapt to the child’s level and give instant feedback. (In fact, authorities recognise that when education is delivered individually, a reduced number of hours can still constitute full-time provision because the learning is so concentrated.) As the child begins to grasp concepts they struggled with, you’ll often see their confidence bloom. Instead of feeling “behind everyone,” they see proof that they can learn and improve. Many parents find that with gentle tutoring support, their child’s love of learning reignites – the same child who once tore up homework out of frustration might proudly show off a story they wrote or excitement about a science experiment the tutor guided them through. This restoration of self-belief is key to re-engaging them with education.

• Tailored Strategies for SEND: For children with SEND, one-to-one tutors (especially those from organisations like Powertutors, who specialise in SEND support) can use strategies that work specifically for that child’s profile. For example, a tutor working with an autistic child who has sensory sensitivities might allow the child to wear headphones or hold a comforting object during the lesson. They might use visual schedules or reward charts to help a child with ADHD stay on track. If the child has an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP), a good tutor will familiarise themselves with it and align their sessions with the specified strategies and goals. This level of individual attention ensures the child’s unique needs are met—something that is hard to achieve in a mainstream classroom setting, but very natural in one-to-one tuition.

• Bridge to Reintegration: One-to-one tuition doesn’t necessarily replace school long-term (unless that turns out to be the best route for the child); often, it serves as a bridge to reintegration. As the child becomes more confident and emotionally stable through home tutoring, tutors and parents can work in tandem with the school to plan a gentle return. For instance, the tutor might accompany the child for short visits to the school building after hours or during a quiet period, just to rebuild familiarity without the pressure of attending class. Or the child might start doing one or two favourite subjects back at school, while continuing other subjects via tutoring, until they’re ready to increase school attendance. Throughout this process, the tutor can be an advocate and go-between – sharing progress updates with the school, suggesting accommodations, and reassuring the child that the skills they’ve gained will help them manage in the classroom. The ultimate goal is to help the child feel comfortable and resilient enough to attend school regularly, supported by the foundation built in tutoring. Even if full reintegration is slow, one-to-one tuition ensures the child’s right to education is fulfilled in the meantime, and that they won’t be left behind academically or socially.

Case Study: Re-engaging an Anxious Learner (A Hypothetical Scenario)

To illustrate how one-to-one tuition can make a difference, let’s consider a fictional example based on real cases. Jack, 11, is a bright boy who was diagnosed with Asperger’s (an autism spectrum condition) and acute anxiety. After moving to secondary school, Jack began experiencing severe panic attacks each morning. The bustling hallways, loud bell, and having different teachers every period completely overwhelmed him. Eventually, Jack flat-out refused to go to school. His parents were beside themselves – he had always been clever, but now he wasn’t learning anything and his world was shrinking to the safety of his bedroom.

After several weeks of no improvement, the family was referred to Powertutors for home tuition as part of an alternative provision plan. Powertutors matched Jack with a tutor named Sarah who had experience in supporting autistic students with anxiety. On their first meeting, Sarah didn’t push any academics at all. Instead, she spent the session getting to know Jack – talking about his favourite video games and his pet cat, and gently validating his feelings about school (“It sounds like it was really scary for you. That makes sense, I’d feel anxious too in that situation.”). Jack was nervous at first, but Sarah’s calm and friendly approach started to win him over.

In the coming weeks, Sarah tailored each lesson to Jack’s pace. They began with short, 30-minute sessions in the late morning, when Jack was most relaxed. Knowing Jack loved science and art, Sarah wove those into the learning – they did maths by tallying scores from a fun science experiment and practiced writing by creating a comic strip together. Jack was learning without even realising it at times, and more importantly, he was enjoying it. He started to smile during sessions and even asked his mum on Tuesday nights, “Is Sarah coming tomorrow?” – a far cry from the boy who used to dread weekday mornings.

As trust grew, Sarah gradually increased the academic focus. She kept a predictable routine for Jack (something he really needed to feel secure), and introduced gentle challenges like doing a short quiz once a week to prepare him for the idea of classroom tests. When Jack would get frustrated or anxious, Sarah taught him coping strategies like deep breathing and taking “sensory breaks” (e.g. jumping on a mini-trampoline for a minute, or squeezing a stress ball). With each small success, Jack’s confidence in himself grew. After two months, he proudly showed his parents a full page of writing he’d done with Sarah’s help – something they hadn’t seen him do in ages.

The real turning point came when Jack mentioned to Sarah that he missed his old primary-school buddy who went to the same secondary. They devised a plan together: Sarah arranged with the school and Jack’s parents to have one of their tutoring sessions take place in a quiet corner of the school library after hours, and they invited Jack’s friend along for a joint study activity. Jack was hesitant, but because Sarah would be there and he’d have his friend, he agreed to try. The visit went well – Jack was jittery at first, but seeing a familiar school setting with only a couple of people he trusted helped rebuild positive associations. Over the next month, these library visits continued and slowly transitioned to earlier in the day, inching closer to regular school hours. With each visit, Jack grew more comfortable. By the next term, Jack was attending two classes at school in the mornings (with the promise he could go home at lunch if it got too much) and spending afternoons with Sarah to reinforce what he’d learned and prepare for the next day.

Jack’s story is just one example, but it shows how patient, one-to-one support can transform a child’s trajectory. What began as outright school refusal gradually shifted to part-time attendance and, most importantly, a happier, learning child. The key was meeting Jack where he was, and guiding him step by step out of his anxiety, with everyone – parents, tutor, and school – working in unison.

Practical Tips for Parents and Professionals

Supporting a child through school refusal can be challenging, but there are proactive steps you can take. Here are some practical tips for parents (and educators) to help an anxious child who is not attending school:

• Listen and Validate: Start by having calm, open conversations with your child about what they’re feeling. Let them know you take their worries seriously. Phrases like “I understand that going to school feels scary for you” can be powerful. Validation doesn’t mean you’re “giving in” – it means you acknowledge their reality. This helps build trust, so your child knows you’re on their side and not angry with them for how they feel.

• Work with the School (Team Around the Child): Reach out to your child’s teacher or SENCO as early as possible. Collaborate on a plan – this might include adjustments like a part-time timetable, permission for your child to take breaks in a quiet space when overwhelmed, or agreement on a “no-questions-asked” exit plan (e.g. if they signal they need to leave class, they can go to a designated safe person/place). Schools are increasingly aware of EBSA and may have support systems in place. Keep records of all communications and interventions – not only does this help everyone stay accountable, but if the issue persists, it strengthens the case for additional support or alternative provision.

• Seek Professional Help for Anxiety: If you suspect your child’s school refusal is rooted in a mental health condition (like an anxiety disorder or depression), involve professionals early. Speak to your GP about a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) or a private therapist if accessible. Therapy (such as CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can give your child tools to manage anxiety. In some cases, an evaluation might reveal previously undiagnosed needs (like autism or learning disorders), which can open doors to more tailored support (for example, obtaining an EHCP or additional school resources).

• Maintain a Routine (Without Pressure): Completely removing all expectations can sometimes reinforce avoidance, so try to keep a gentle routine going at home if your child is off school. For example, have them wake up and get dressed by a reasonable time, do a bit of reading or an educational activity in what would be school hours, and encourage regular meal times and sleep times. Frame this not as punishment, but as helping the day feel structured and keeping their mind engaged. You might say, “I know you can’t go in, but let’s do a little maths together now and then we’ll have lunch, just like a school day schedule.” Using online resources like BBC Bitesize or educational games can make home learning more fun. The goal is to prevent a total disconnect from learning and routine, which will make returning to school (or transitioning to tutoring) easier.

• Gradual Exposure: Help your child take small steps towards overcoming their fear. This might mean first just driving by the school, then walking on campus during a weekend, or meeting a teacher one-on-one on site. Celebrate any progress, however small – even sitting in the car with the uniform on is a step. Don’t rush the process; gradual exposure, paired with reassurance and perhaps rewards for brave behaviour, can slowly desensitise the fear.

• Explore One-to-One Support: Consider arranging one-to-one tuition – either through the local authority (if they can provide a home tutor) or privately via a specialist tutoring service. A few hours of personalised tutoring a week can keep your child’s education on track and rebuild their confidence in learning, without the pressures of the school setting. Many local authorities will fund one-to-one tuition for children who are signed off from school due to anxiety or medical reasons, so be sure to inquire about this option. If you’re a SENCO or LEA officer reading this, bear in mind that engaging a qualified tutor for a school-refusing student can be a highly effective intervention to include in that child’s support plan.

• Encourage Social Connection in Other Ways: One big loss when a child avoids school is the social aspect. Look for low-key ways to keep your child connected with friends or peers to prevent isolation. This could be inviting a classmate over for a short playdate or study date (perhaps facilitated by a tutor, as in Jack’s case), joining a hobby club or group activity that your child feels comfortable with, or even moderated online socialising if in-person is too hard initially. Positive social experiences can remind your child that not all interactions are threatening and that they have friends who care about them.

• Take Care of Yourself and Get Support: Supporting a child with EBSA can be emotionally exhausting for parents. It’s important to seek support for yourself as well – whether that’s talking to friends/family who understand, joining a parent support group (such as online communities like “Not Fine in School”), or even seeking counselling for yourself if needed. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you look after your own well-being, you’ll be better equipped to help your child calmly and patiently. Don’t hesitate to inform your employer of the situation if you need flexibility – many will be understanding if they know you’re dealing with a family health issue. And always remind yourself that you are not alone in this; many families are going through similar struggles, and help is available.

Moving Forward: Hope and Help for Every Child

Overcoming school refusal is rarely an easy or overnight process – but with the right support and a lot of empathy, children can overcome their fears and reconnect with learning. The journey may involve setbacks, and that’s okay. What matters is consistently sending the message to the child that you believe in them and will help find a solution that works for their needs. One-to-one tuition is often a game-changer in this journey, serving as a compassionate stepping stone that honours the child’s feelings while gently guiding them back to educational progress.

At Powertutors, we have seen first-hand how anxious, school-avoidant children blossom again when given patient one-to-one support. A child who once hid under the duvet to escape school can, in time, become a curious learner excited to share what they’ve discovered – all it takes is the right approach. By tailoring education to the child and building trust, one-to-one tutors re-engage children who’ve fallen out of love with learning, helping them regain confidence and hope for the future.

If your child is struggling with school refusal, remember that you’re not alone and that there are options to ensure they still receive a fulfilling education. Reach out for help – talk to your school or local authority about alternative provision, or get in touch with specialist organisations like Powertutors who understand SEND and anxiety. We’re here to listen without judgment and to work with you, your child, and any relevant professionals to create a plan that feels safe and positive for your child. Every child deserves the chance to thrive, and sometimes one-to-one tuition is the key to unlocking that possibility. Contact Powertutors today to learn more about how our caring tutors can support your child – together, we can help your anxious child take those first brave steps back toward learning and growth.